she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
