I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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