She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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