Why is your signature on my underwear?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
