i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
