He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
