Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
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Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
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I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." π ππ·
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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