Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
