Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
