Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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