I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
