Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
