In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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