In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
