You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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