oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize