just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize