I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
