Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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