Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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