just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
