god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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