Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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