He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
