Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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