i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
