Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
