just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Randomize
