OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
