my phone needs a breathalizer
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
