Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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