Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
