Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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