On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
