Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
