Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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