i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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