you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Randomize
