theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
