I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
