I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
