just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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