just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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