Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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