yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
