Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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