True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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