you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
