Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
