Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
