my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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