I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
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