I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
