found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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