I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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