he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
