I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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